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V    A- 


DOCTOR    BIRCH 


ms  YOUNG  FRIENDS. 


BY 


WM.  M.  THACKERAY. 


NEW-YORK : 
D.  APPLETON  &   CO.,  200   BROADWAY 

1853. 


LIST   OF   ILLUSTRATIONS. 


(::'  L 


A    YOUNG    RAPHAEL .  Frontispiece. 

VIGNETTE Title. 

THE    LION    AND    THE    LITTLE    CUBS 7 

RIVAL    FORCES  ..........      8 

THE    LITTLE    SCHOOL-ROOM         .  ■  .  .  .  .  .  .10 

THE    DEAR    BROTHERS  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .13 

THE    LAST    BOY    OF    ALL  .  .  .  .  .  .  •  .15 

WHO    STOLE    THE    JAM?       .........      20 

A    SERIOUS    CASE  .........  21 

A    HAMPER    FOR    BRIGGS    .........     22 

SURE    TO    SUCCEED    IN    LIFE  .......  28 

THE    PIRATE 29 

HOME,  SWEET  HOME   .........     32 

A  RESCUE  ..........   34 

MISS    birch's    FLOWER    GARDEN       ...  ....  38 

WANTED    A    GOVERNESS  .      '      .  .  -  ■  .  •  -43 


SI     I 


DOCTOR  BIllCH. 


THE  DOCTOR  AND   HIS   STAFF. 

There  is  no  need  to  say  why  I  became  Assistant  Master  and 
Professor  of  the  English  and  French  Languages,  flower-painting^ 
and  the  German  flute,  in  Doctor  Birch's  Academy,  at  Rodwell 
Regis.  Good  folks  may  depend  on  this  that  there  was  good 
reason  for  my  leaving  lodgings  near  London,  and  a  genteel  society. 
for  an  imder-master's  desk  in  that  old  school.  I  promise  you 
the  fare  at  the  Usher's  table,  the  getting  up  at  five  o'clock  in 
the  morning,  the  walking  out  with  little  boys  in  the  fields,  (who 
used  to  play  me  tricks,  and  never  could  be  got  to  respect  my 
awful  and  responsible  character  as  teacher  in  the  school,)  Miss 
Birch's  vulgar  insolence.  Jack  Birch's  glum  condescension,  and 
the  poor  old  Doctors'  patronage,  were  not  matters  in  themselves 
pleasurable :  iind  that  that  patronage  and  those  dinners  were 
sometimes  cruel  hard  to  swallow.  Never  mind — my  connexion 
1 


2  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

with  the  place  is  over  now,  and  I  hope  they  have  got  a  more  effi- 
cient under-master. 

Jack  Birch  (Rev.  J.  Birch,. of  St.  Neot's  Hall,  Oxford,)  is 
partner  with  his  father  the  Doctor,  and  takes  some  of  the  classes. 
About  his  Greek  I  can't  say  much ;  but  I  will  construe  him  in 
Latin  any  day.  A  more  supercilious  little  prig,  (giving  him- 
self airs,  too,  about  his  cousin,  Miss  Raby,  who  lives  with  the 
Doctor,)  a  more  empty  pompous  little  coxcomb  I  never  saw. 
His  white  neckcloth  looked  as  if  it  choked  him.  He  used 
to  try  and  look  over  that  starch  upon  me  and  Prince  the 
assistant,  as  if  we  were  a  couple  of  footmen.  He  didn't  do 
much  business  in  the  school ;  but  occupied  his  time  in  writing 
sanctified  letters  to  the  boys'  parents,  and  in  composing  dreary 
sermons  to  preach  to  them. 

The  real  master  of  the  school  is  Prince ;  an  Oxford  man  too  ; 
shy,  haughty,  and  learned  ;  crammed  with  Greek  and  a  quantity 
of  useless  learning ;  uncommonly  kind  to  the  small  boj^s  ;  pitiless 
with  the  fools  and  the  braggarts  :  respected  of  all  for  his  honesty, 
his  learning,  his  bravery,  (for  he  hit  out  once  in  a  row-boat  in  a 
way  which  astonished  the  boys  and  the  bargemen,)  and  for  a  latent 
power  about  him,  w^hich  all  saw  and  confessed  somehow.  Jack 
Birch  could  never  look  him  in  the  face.  Old  Miss  Z.  dared  not 
put  off  any  of  her  airs  upon  him.  Miss  Rosa  made  him  the  lowest 
of  curtsies.     Miss  Raby  said  she  was  afraid  of  him.     Good  old 


Am)   HIS  YOUNG   FRIENDS.  3 

Prince  !  many  a  pleasant  night  we  have  smoked  in  the  Doctor's 
harness-room,  Tvhither  we  retired  when  our  boys  were  gone  to  bed, 
and  our  cares  and  canes  put  by. 

After  Jack  Birch  had  taken  his  degree  at  Oxford — a  process 
which  he  effected  with  great  difficulty — this  place  which  used  to 
be  called  "  Birch's,"  "  Dr.  Birch's  Academy,"  and  what  not,  be- 
came suddenly  "  Archbishop  Wigsby's  College  of  Rodwell  Regis.'' 
They  took  down  the  old  blue  board  with  the  gold  letters,  which 
ha^been  used  to  mend  the  pig-stye  since.  Birch  had  a  large 
school-room  run  up  in  the  Gothic  taste,  with  statuettes,  and 
a  little  belfry,  and  a  bust  of  Archbishop  Wigsby  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  school.  He  put  the  six  senior  boys  into  caps  and 
gowns,  which  had  rather  a  good  effect  as  the  lads  sauntered 
down  the  street  of  the  town,  but  which  certainly  provoked  the 
contempt  and  hostility  of  the  bargemen  ;  and  so  great  was  his 
rage  for  academic  costumes  and  ordinances,  that  he  would  have 
put  me  myself  into  a  lay  gown,  with  red  knots  and  fringes,  but 
that  I  flatly  resisted,  and  said  that  a  writing-master  had  no  busi- 
ness with  such  paraphernalia. 

By  the  way,  I  have  forgotten  to  mention  the  Doctor  himself. 
And  what  shall  I  say  of  him  ?  Well,  he  has  a  very  crisp  gown 
and  bands,  a  solemn  air,  a  tremendous  loud  voice,  and  a  grand  and 
solemn  air  with  the  boys'  parents,  whom  he  receives  in  a  study 
covered  round  with  the  best  bound  books,  which  imposes  upon 


•  4  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

many — upon  the  women  especially — and  makes  them  fancy  that 
this  is  a  Doctor  indeed.  But,  Law  bless  you !  He  never  reads 
the  books  ;  or  opens  one  of  them,  except  that  in  which  he  keeps 
his  bands — and  a  Dugdale's  Monasticon,  which  looks  like  a  book, 
but  is  in  reality  a  cupboard,  where  he  has  his  almond  cakes,  and 
decanter  of  port  wine.  He  gets  up  his  classics  with  transla- 
tions, or  what  the  boys  call  cribs.  They  pass  wicked  tricks  upon 
him  when  he  hears  the  forms.  The  elder  wags  go  to  his  study, 
and  ask  him  to  help  them  in  hard  bits  of  Herodotus  or  Thflcy- 
dides :  he  says  he  will  look  over  the  passage,  and  flies  for  refuge  to 
Mr.  Prince,  or  to  the  crib. 

He  keeps  the  flogging  department  in  his  own  hands ;  finding 
that  his  son  was  too  savage.  He  has  awful  brows  and  a  big  voice. 
But  his  roar  frightens  nobody.  It  is  only  a  lion's  skin,  or,  so  to 
say,  a  muff. 

Little  Mordant  made  a  picture  of  him  with  large  ears,  like  a 
well-known  domestic  animal,  and  had  his  own  justly  boxed  for  the 
caricature.  The  Doctor  discovered  him  in  the  fact,  and  was  in  a 
flaming  rage,  and  threatened  whipping  at  first ;  but  in  the  course 
of  the  day  an  opportune  basket  of  game  arriving  from  Mordant's 
father,  the  Doctor  became  mollified,  and  has  burnt  the  picture  with 
the  ears.  However  I  have  one  wafered  up  in  my  desk  by  the  hand 
of  the  same  little  rascal :  and  the  frontispiece  of  this  very  book  is 
di'awn  from  it. 


AND   HIS   YOUNG   FEIENDS. 


THE  COCK  OF  THE   SCHOOL. 

I  AM  growing  an  old  fellow — and  have  seen  many  great  folks 
in  the  course  of  my  travels  and  time — Louis  Philippe  coming  out 
of  the  Tuileries,  His  Majesty  the  King  of  Prussia  and  the 
Reichsverweser  accolading  each  other,  at  Cologne,  at  my  elbow ; 
Admiral  Sir  Charles  Napier  (in  an  omnibus  once),  the  Duke  of 
Y/ellington,  the  immortal  Goethe  at  Weimar,  the  late  benevolent 
Pope  Gregory  XVI.,  and  a  score  more  of  the  famous  in  this  world 
— the  whom,  whenever  one  looks  at,  one  has  a  mild  shock  of  awe 
and  tremor.  I  like  this  feeling  and  decent  fear  and  trembling 
with  which  a  modest  spirit  salutes  a  Great  Man. 

"Well,  I  have  seen  Generals  capering  on  horseback  at  the 
head  of  their  crimson  battalions  ;  Bishops  sailing  down  cathedral 
aisles,  with  downcast  eyes,  pressing  their  trencher  caps  to  their 
hearts  with  their  fat  white  hands ;  College  heads  when  her 
Majesty  is  on  a  visit ;  the  Doctor  in  all  his  glory  at  the  head 
of  his  school  on  Speech-day,  a  great  sight, — and  all  great  men 


6  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

these.  I  have  never  met  the  late  Mr.  Thomas  Cribb,  but  I  have 
no  doubt  should  have  regarded  him  with  the  same  feeling  of  awe 
with  which  I  look  every  day  at  George  Champion,  the  cock  of 
Dr.  Birch's  school. 

When,  I  say,  I  reflect  as  I  go  up  and  set  him  a  sum,  that  he 
could  whop  me  in  tw^o  minutes,  double  up  Prince  and  the  other 
assistant,  and  pitch  the  Doctor  out  of  window,  I  can't  but  think 
how  great,  how  generous,  how  magnanimous  a  creature  this  is, 
that  sits  quite  quiet  and  good-natured,  and  works  his  equation, 
and  ponders  through  his  Greek  play.  He  might  take  the  school- 
room pillars  and  pull  the  house  down  if  he  liked.  He  might  close 
the  door,  and  demolish  every  one  of  us  like  Antar,  the  lover  of 
Ibla  ;  but  he  lets  us  live.  He  never  thrashes  anybody  without  a 
cause,  when  woe  betide  the  tyrant  or  the  sneak  ! 

I  think  that  to  be  strong,  and  able  to  whop  everybody, — (not 
to  do  it,  mind  you,  but  to  feel  that  you  were  able  to  do  it,) — 
would  be  the  greatest  of  all  gifts.  There  is  a  serene  good 
humour  which  plays  about  George  Champion's  broad  face,  which 
shows  the  consciousness  of  this  power,  and  lights  up  his  honest 
blue  eyes  with  a  magnanimous  calm. 

He  is  invictus.     Even  when  a  cub  there  was  no  beating  this 

lion.      Six  years  ago  the  undaunted  little  warrior  actually  stood 

up    to    Frank    Davison, — (the    Indian    officer    now — poor    little 

•Charley's   brother,  whom   INIiss   Raby  nursed   so    affectionately,) 


'Tke  Liou-  aniitiie  little  Cuhi 


AND   HIS   YOUNG   FRIENDS.  •         7 

— then  seventeen  years  old,  and  the  cock  of  Birch's.  They 
were  obliged  to  drag  oflf  the  boy,  and  Frank,  -with  admiration 
and  regard  for  him,  prophesied  the  great  things  he  would  do. 
Legends  of  combats  are  preserved  fondly  in  schools  ;  they  have 
stories  of  such  at  Rodwell  Regis,  performed  in  the  old  Doctor's 
time,  forty  years  ago. 

Champion's  affair  with  the  Young  Tutbury  Pet,  who  was 
down  here  in  training, — with  Black  the  Bargeman, — with  the 
three  head  boys  of  Doctor  Wapshot's  academy,  whom  he  caught 
maltreating  an  outlying  day-boy  of  ours,  &c., — are  known  to  all 
the  Rodwell  Regis  men.  He  was  always  victorious.  He  is 
modest  and  kind,  like  all  great  men.  He  has  a  good,  brave, 
honest  understanding.  He  cannot  make  verses  like  young 
Binder,  or  read  Greek  like  Lawrence  the  Prefect,  who  is  a  perfect 
young  abyss  of  learning,  and  knows  enough,  Prince  says,  to 
furnish  any  six  first-class  men ;  but  he  does  his  work  in  a 
sound,  downright  way,  and  he  is  made  to  be  the  bravest  of  soldiers, 
the  best  of  country  parsons,  an  honest  English  gentleman  wher- 
ever he  may  go. 

Like  all  great  men,  George  is  good-humoured  and  lazy. 
There  is  a  particular  bench  in  the  play-ground  on  which  he  will 
loll  for  hours  on  half-holidays,  and  is  so  affable  that  the  smallest 
boys  come  and  speak  to  him.  It  is  pleasant  to  see  the  young 
cubs    frisking    round   the    honest    lion.     His    chief   friend    and 


b  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

attendant,  however,  is  young  Jack  Hall,  whom  he  saved  when 
drowning,  out  of  the  Miller's  Pool.  The  attachment  of  the  two 
is  curious  to  witness.  The  smaller  lad  gambolling,  playing  tricks 
round  the  bigger  one,  and  perpetually  making  fun  of  his  pro- 
tector. They  are  never  far  apart,  and  of  holidays  you  may  meet 
them  miles  away  from  the  school.  George  sauntering  heavily 
down  the  lanes  with  his  big  stick,  and  little  Jack  larking  with  the 
pretty  girls  in  the  cottage  windows. 

George  has  a  boat  on  the  river,  in  which,  however,  he  com- 
monly lies  smoking,  whilst  Jack  sculls  him.  He  does  not  play 
at  cricket,  except  when  the  school  plaj'-s  the  county,  or  at  Lord's 
in  the  holidays.  The  boys  can't  stand  his  bowling,  and  Avhen  he 
hits,  it  is  like  trying  to  catch  a  cannon-ball.  I  have  seen  him  at 
tennis.  It  is  a  splendid  sight  to  behold  the  young  fellow  bounding 
over  the  court  with  streaming  yellow  hair,  like  young  Apollo  in  a 
flannel  jacket. 

The  other  head  boys  are  Lawrence  the  Captain,  Bunce, 
famous  chiefly  for  his  magnificent  appetite,  and  Pitman,  sur- 
named  Roscius,  for  his  love  of  the  drama.  Add  to  these 
Swanky,  called  Macassar,  from  his  partiality  to  that  condiment, 
and  who  has  varnished  boots,  wears  white  gloves  on  Sundays, 
and  looks  out  for  Miss  Pinkerton's  school  (transferred  from 
Chiswick  to  Rodwell  Regis,  and  conducted  by  the  nieces  of  the 
late  Miss  Barbara  Pinkerton,  the  friend  of  Our  Great  Lexico- 


/^^-'^i. 

mjA 


•'    17  vf-. 


->^  -*, 


1 


AND  HIS  YOUNG   FRIENDS.  9 

grapher,  upon  the  principles  approved  by  him  and  practised  by 
that  admirable  woman,)  as  it  passes  into  church. 

Representations  have  been  made  concerning  Mr.  Horace 
Swanky's  behaviour ;  rumours  have  been  uttered  about  notes  in 
verse,  conveyed  in  three-cornered  puffs,  by  Mrs.  Ruggles,  who 
serves  Miss  Pinkerton's  young  ladies  on  Fridays — and  how  Miss 
Didow,  to  whom  the  tart  and  enclosure  were  addressed,  tried  to 
make  away  with  herself  by  swallowing  a  ball  of  cotton.  But  I  pass 
over  these  absurd  reports,  as  likely  to  affect  the  reputation  of  an 
admirable  Seminary  conducted  by  irreproachable  females.  As 
they  go  into  church  (Miss  P.  driving  in  her  flock  of  lambkins  with 
the  crook  of  her  parasol,)  how  can  it  be  helped  if  her  forces  and 
ours  sometimes  collide,  as  the  boys  are  on  their  way  up  to  the 
organ-loft  ?  And  I  don't  believe  a  word  about  the  three-cornered 
puff,  but  rather  that  it  was  the  invention  of  that  jealous  Miss  Birch, 
who  is  jealous  of  Miss  Baby,  jealous  of  everybody  Avho  is  good 
and  handsome,  and  who  has  her  own  ends  in  view,  or  I  am  very 
much  in  error. 


10  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 


THE  LITTLE  SCHOOL-ROOM. 

What  they  call  the  little  school-room  is  a  small  room  at  the 
other  end  of'  the  great  school ;  through  which  you  go  to  the 
Doctor's  private  house,  and  where  Miss  Raby  sits  with  her  pupils. 
She  has  a  half-dozen  very  small  ones  over  whom  she  presides  and 
teaches  them  in  her  simple  way,  until  they  are  big  or  learned 
enough  to  face  the  great  school-room.  Many  of  them  are  in  a 
hurry  for  promotion,  the  graceless  little  simpletons,  and  know  no 
more  than  their  elders  when  they  are  well  off. 

She  keeps  the  accounts,  writes  out  the  bills,  superintends  the 
linen  and  sews  on  the  general  shirt-buttons.  Think  of  having  such 
a  woman  at  home  to  sew  on  one's  shirt-buttons  !  But  peace,  peace, 
thou  foolish  heart ! 

Miss  Raby  is  the  Doctor's  niece.  Her  mother  was  a  beauty 
quite  unlike  old  Zoe  therefore) ;  and  she  married  a  pupil  in  the 
old  Doctor's  time,  who  was  killed  afterwards,  a  Captain  in  the 
East  India  service,  at  the  siege  of  Bhurtpore.     Hence  a  number 


ITi-e   Little     ScLgoI  B^oom. 


AKD   HIS  YOUNG   FRIENDS,  11 

of  Indian  children  come  to  the  Doctor's,  for  Raby  was  very  much 
liked,  and  the  uncle's  kind  reception  of  the  orphan  has  been  a  good 
speculation  for  the  school-keeper. 

It  is  wonderful  how  brightly  and  gaily  that  little  quick  crea- 
ture does  her  duty.  She  is  the  first  to  rise,  and  the  last  to  sleep, 
if  any  business  is  to  be  done.  She  sees  the  other  two  women  go 
off  to  parties  in  the  town  without  even  so  much  as  wishing  to 
join  them.  It  is  Cinderella,  only  contented  to  stay  at  home — 
content  to  bear  Zoe's  scorn  and  to  admit  Flora's  superior  charms, 
— and  to  her  utmost  to  repay  her  uncle  for  his  great  kindness  in 
housing  her. 

So,  you  see,  she  works  as  much  as  three  maid-servants  for  the 
wages  of  one.  She  is  as  thankful  when  the  Doctor  gives  her  a 
new  gown,  as  if  he  had  presented  her  with  a  fortune  :  laughs  at  his 
stories  most  good-humouredly,  listens  to  Zoe's  scolding  most 
meekly,  admires  Flora  with  all  her  heart,  and  only  goes  out  of  the 
way  when  Jack  Birch  shows  his  sallow  face :  for  she  can't  bear 
him,  and  ahvays  finds  work  when  he  comes  near. 

How  difterent  she  is  when  some  folks  approach  her  !  I  won't 
be  presumptuous ;  but  I  think,  I  think,  I  have  made  a  not  un- 
favourable impression  in  some  quarters.  However,  let  us  be  mum 
on  this  subject.  I  like  to  see  her,  because  she  always  looks  good- 
humoured  ;  because  she  is  always  kind,  because  she  is  always 
modest,  because  she  is  fond  of  those  poor  little  brats — orphans 


12  DOCTOR   BIRCH,  • 

some  of  them, — because  she  is  rather  pretty,  I  dare  sa}'-,  or  because 
I  think  so,  which  comes  to  the  same  thing. 

Though  she  is  kind  to  all,  it  must  be  owned  she  shows  the 
most  gross  favouritism  towards  the  amiable  children.  She  brings 
them  cakes  from  dessert,  and  regales  them  with  Zoe's  preserves  ; 
spends  many  of  her  little  shillings  in  presents  for  her  favourites, 
and  will  tell  them  stories  by  the  hour.  She  has  one  very  sad 
story  about  a  little  boy,  who  died  long  ago  ;  the  younger  children 
are  never  weary  of  hearing  about  him  ;  and  Miss  Raby  has  shown 
to  one  of  them  a  lock  of  the  little  chap's  hair,  which  she  keeps  in 
her  work-box  to  this  day. 


^ift^' 


'!  .U 


^ 


v,J^ 


AXD  HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS.  13 


THE   DEAR   BBOTHERS. 

H  ^Ttlotrrama  in  stitral  ilounlis. 

The  Doctor. 

Mr.  Tipper,  Uuele  to  the  Masters  Boxall. 
BoxALL  Major,  Boxall  Minor,  Bro-wt*,  Jones,  Siiixn, 
RoBixsox,  TiFnx  Mixmus. 

B.  Go  it  old  Boxall 

J.  Give  it  liim  young  Boxall. 

R.  Pitch  into  him  old  Boxall. 

iS*.  Two  to  one  on  young  Boxall. 

\^Enter  Tiffix  Meximts,  running. 

Tiffin  BTinimus.     Boxalls  !  you're  wanted. 

( The  Doctor  to  Mr.  Tijrper.)  Every  boy  in  the  school  loves 
them,  my  dear  sir  ;  your  nephews  are  a  credit  to  my  establishment. 
They  are  orderly'',  well-conducted,  gentleman-like  boys.  Let  us  en- 
ter and  find  them  at  their  studies. 

[Enter  The  Doctor  and})h'.  Tipper. 

GRAND  TABLEAU. 


14  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 


A   HOPELESS   CASE. 

Let  us,  people  who  are  so  uncommonly  clever  and  learned,  have 
a  great  tenderness  and  pity  for  the  poor  folks  who  are  not 
endowed  with  the  prodigious  talents  which  we  have.  I  have 
always  had  a  regard  for  dunces ; — those  of  my  own  school-days 
were  amongst  the  pleasantest  of  the  fellows,  and  have  turn- 
ed out  by  no  means  the  dullest  in  life ;  whereas  many  a  youth 
who  could  turn  off  Latin  hexameters  by  the  yard,  and  con- 
strue Greek  quite  glibly,  is  no  better  than  a  feeble  prig  now, 
Avith  not  a  pennyworth  more  brains  than  were  in  his  head  before 
his  beard  grew. 

Those  poor  dunces  !  Talk  of  being  the  last  man,  ah  !  what  a 
pang  it  must  be  to  be  the  last  boy — huge,  misshapen,  fourteen  years 
of  age, — and  "taken  up  "  by  a  chap  who  is  but  six  years  old,  and 
can't  speak  quite  plain  yet ! 

Master  Hulker  is  in  that  condition  at  Birch's.  He  is  the 
most  honest,  kind,   active,   plucky,   generous  creature.     He  can 


AND   HIS  YOUNG   FRIENDS.  15 

do  many  things  better  than  most  boys.  He  can  go  up  a  tree, 
jump,  phay  at  cricket,  dive  and  swim  perfectly  —  he  can  eat 
twice  as  much  almost  as  any  lady  (as  Miss  Birch  well  knows), 
he  has  a  pretty  talent  at  carving  figures  with  his  hack- 
knife,  he  makes  and  paints  little  coaches,  he.  can  take  a  watch 
to  pieces  and  put  it  together  again.  He  can  do  everything  but 
learn  his  lesson  ;  and  there  he  sticks  at  the  bottom  of  the  school 
hopeless.  As  the  little  boys  are  drafted  in  from  Miss  Raby's 
class,  (it  is  true  she  is  one  of  the  best  instructresses  in  the 
world,)  they  enter  and  hop  over  poor  Hulker.  He  would  be 
handed  over  to  the  governess  only  he  is  too  big.  Sometimes  I 
used  to  think,  that  this  desperate  stupidity  was  a  stratagem  of 
the  poor  rascal's  ;  and  that  he  shammed  dulness  so  that  he 
might  be  degraded  into  Miss  Raby's  class :  if  she  would  teach 
me,  I  know,  before  George,  I  would  put  on  a  pinafore  and  a 
little  jacket — but  no,  it  is  a  natural  incapacity  for  the  Latin 
Grammar. 

If  you  could  see  his  grammar,  it  is  a  perfect  curiosity  of  dog's 
ears.  The  leaves  and  cover  are  all  curled  and  ragged.  Many  of 
the  pages  are  worn  away,  with  the  rubbing  of  his  elbows  as  he  sits 
poring  over  the  hopeless  volume,  with  the  blows  of  his  fists  as  he 
thumps  it  madly,  or  with  the  poor  fellow's  tears.  You  see  him  wip- 
ing them  away  with  the  back  of  his  hand,  as  he  tries  and  tries. 
and  can't  do  it. 


16  DOCTOR   BIRCH, 

When  I  think  of  that  Latin  Grammar,  and  that  infernal 
As  in  Prffisenti,  and  of  other  things  which  I  was  made  to  learn  in 
my  youth  :  upon  my  conscience  I  am  surprised  that  we  ever  sur- 
vived it.  AVhen  one  thinks  of  the  boys  who  have  been  caned  be- 
cause they  could  not  master  that  intolerable  jargon  !  Good  Lord, 
what  a  pitiful  chorus  these  poor  little  creatures,  send  up!  Be 
gentle  with  them,  ye  'schoolmasters,  and  only  whop  those  who  won't 
learn. 

The  Doctor  has  operated  upon  Hulker  (between  ourselves),  but 
the  boy  was  so  little  affected  you  would  have  thought  he  had  taken 
chloroform.  Birch  is  weary  of  whipping  now,  and  leaves  the  boy 
to  go  his  own  gait.  Prince,  when  he  hears  the  lesson,  and  who 
cannot  help  making  fun  of  a  fool,  adopts  the  sarcastic  manner 
with  Master  Ilulker,  and  says,  "  Mr.  Hulke^  may  I  take  the 
liberty  to  inquire  if  your  brilliant  intellect  has  enabled  you  to 
perceive  the  difference  between  those  words  Avhich  grammarians 
have  defined  as  substantive  and  adjective  nouns  ? — if  not,  perhaps 
Mr.  Ferdinand  Timmins  will  instruct  you.*'  And  Timmins  hops 
over  Hulker's  head. 

I  wish  Prince  would  leave  of  girding  at  the  poor  lad.  He's  an 
only  son,  and  his  mother  is  a  widow  woman,  who  loves  him  with  all 
her  might.  There  is  a  famous  sneer  about  the  suckling  of  fools 
and  the  chronicling  of  small  beer ;  but  remember  it  was  a  rascal 
who  uttered  it. 


AND  HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS.  17 


A  WORD  ABOUT  MISS  BIRCH. 

"  The  Gentlemen,  and  especially  the  younger  and  more  tender 
of  the  Pupils,  •will  have  the  advantage  of  the  constant  super- 
intendence and  affectionate  care  of  Miss  Zoe  Birch,  sister 
of  the  Principal :  whose  dearest  aim  ivill  be  to  supply  (as  far  as 
may  be)  the  absent  maternal  friend." — Prospectus  of  Rodwell 
Regis  School. 

This  is  all  very  fine  in  the  Doctor's  circulars,  and  Miss  Zoe 
Birch — (a  sweet  birch  blossom  it  is,  fifty-five  years  old,  during  two 
score  of  which  she  has  dosed  herself  with  pills  ;  with  a  nose  as 
red  and  a  face  as  sour  as  a  crab-apple) — may  do  mighty  well  in  a 
prospectus.  But  I  should  like  to  know  who  would  take  Miss  Zoe 
for  a  mother,  or  would  have  her  for  one  ? 

The  only  persons  in  the  house  who  are  not  afraid  of  her  are 

Miss  Flora  and  I — no,  I  am  afraid  of  her,  though   I  do  know 

the   story   about   the   French   usher   in   1830 — but   all   the    rest 

tremble  before  the  woman,  from  the  Doctor  down  to  poor  Francis 

2 


18  DOCTOR  BIECH, 

the  knife-boy,  and  whom  she  bullies  into  his  miserable  blackinu- 
hole. 

The  Doctor  is  a  pompous  and  outwardly  severe  man— but 
inwardly  w^eak  and  easy  :  loving  a  joke  and  a  glass  of  port  Avine. 
I  get  on  with  him,  therefore,  much  better  than  Mr.  Prince,  who 
scorns  him  for  an  ass,  and  under  whose  keen  eyes  the  worthy 
Doctor  writhes  like  a  convicted  impostor  ;  and  many  a  sunshiny 
afternoon  would  he  have  said,  "  Mr.  T.,  Sir,  shall  we  try  another 
glass  of  that  yellow  sealed  wine  which  you  seem  to  like  ?"  (and 
which  he  likes  even  better  than  I  do),  had  not  the  old  harridan  of 
a  Zoe  been  down  upon  us,  and  insisted' on  turning  me  out  with 
her  miserable  weak  coffee.  She  a  mother  indeed  !  A  sour  milk 
generation  she  Avould  have  nursed.  She  is  always  croaking, 
scolding,  bvillying, — yowling  at  the  housemaids,  snarling  at  Miss 
Raby,  boww^owing  after  the  little  boys,  barking  after  the  big  ones. 
She  knows  how  much  every  boy  eats  to  an  ounce ;  and  her 
dehght  is  to  ply  with  fat  the  little  ones  who  can't  bear  it,  and 
with  raw  meat  those  who  hate  underdone.  It  was  she  who  caused 
the  Doctor  to  be  eaten  out  three  times ;  and  nearly  created  a 
rebellion  in  the  school  because  she  insisted  on  his  flogging  Goliah 
Longman. 

The  only  time  that  woman  is  happy  is  when  she  comes  in  of  a 
morning  to  the  little  boys'  dormitories  with  a  cup  of  hot  Epsom 
salts,  and  a  sippet  of  bread.     Boo  ! — the  very  notion  makes  me 


AND   HIS  YOUNG   FRIENDS.  19 

quiver.  She  stands  over  them.  I  saw  her  do  it  to  young  ByU^? 
only  a  few  days  since — and  her  presence  makes  the  abomination 
doubly  abominable. 

As  for  attending  them  in  real  illness,  do  you  suppose  that .  she 
would  watch  a  single  night  for  any  one  of  them?  Not  she. 
When  poor  little  Charley  Davison  (that  child,  a  lock  of  whose 
soft  hair  I  have  said  how  Miss  Raby  still  keeps)  lay  ill  of  scarlet 
fever  in  the  holidays — for  the  Colonel,  the  father  of  these  boys, 
was  in  India — it  was  Anne  Raby  who  tended  the  child,  who 
Avatched  him  all  through  the  fever,  who  never  left  him  while  it 
lasted,  or  until  she  had  closed  the  little  eyes  that  were  never  to 
brighten  or  moisten  more.  Anny  watched  and  deplored  him. 
but  it  was  Miss  Birch  who  wrote  the  letter  announcing  his 
demise,  and  got  the  gold  chain  and  locket  which  the  Colonel 
ordered  as  a  memento  of  his  gratitude.  It  was  through  a  row 
with  Miss  Birch  that  Frank  Davison  ran  away.  I  promise  you 
that  after  he  joined  his  regiment  in  India,  the  Ahmednuggar 
Irregulars,  which  his  gallant  father  commands,  there  came  over 
no  more  annual  shawls  and  presents  to  Dr.  and  Miss  Birch,  and 
that  if  she  fancied  the  Colonel  was  coming  home  to  marry  her 
(on  account  of  her  tenderness  to  his  motherless  childi-en,  which 
he  was  always  writing  about),  that  notion  was  very  soon  given  up. 
But  these  affairs  are  of  early  date,  seven  years  back,  and  I  only 
heard  of  them  in  a  very  confused  manner  from  Miss  Raby,  who 


20  DOCTOR   BIRCH, 

was  a  girl,  and  had  just  come  to  Rodwell  Regis.  She  is  ahvays 
very  much  moved  when  she  speaks  about  those  boys,  which  is 
but  seklom.  I  take  it  the  death  of  the  little  one  still  grieves  her 
tender  heart. 

Yes,  it  is  Miss  Birch,  who  has  turned  away  seventeen  ushers 
and  second  masters  in  eleven  years,  and  half  as  many  French 
masters ;  inconsolable,  I  suppose,  since  the  departure  of  her 
favourite,  M.  Grinche,  with  her  gold  watch,  &c,  ;  but  this  is 
only  surmise — and  Avhat  I  gather  from  the  taunts  of  Miss  Rosa 
when  she  and  her  aunt  have  a  tiff  at  tea. 

But  besides  this,  I  have  another  way  of  keeping  her  in 
order. 

Whenever  she  is  particularly  odious  or  insolent  to  Miss  Raby, 
I  have  but  to  introduce  raspberry  jam  into  the  conversation,  and 
the  woman  holds  her  tongue.  She  will  understand  me.  I  need 
not  say  more. 

Note,  12th  Deceinher. — I  may  speak  now.  I  have  left  the 
place  and  don't  mind.  I  say  then  at  once,  and  without  caring  two- 
pence for  the  consequences,  that  I  saw  this  woman,  this  another  of 
the  boys,  eating  jam  with  a  spoon  out  op  Master  Wiggins's 
TRUNK  IN  THE  I30X-R00M  ;  and  of  this  I  am  ready  to  take  an 
affidavit  any  day. 


';;no  stole  tiie   "^ 


A  serioi-is   case 


/ 


AND   HIS   YOUNG   FEIENDS.  21 


A  TRAGEDY. 

THIS  DRAMA  OUGHT  TO  BE  REPRESENTED  IN  ABOUT  SIX  CUTS. 

\The  School  is  hushed.  Lawrence  the  Prefect,  and  Custos  of  the  rods,  is  march- 
ing after  the  Doctor  into  the  operating-room.  Master  Backhouse  is  aloiU 
to  follow.'^ 

Master  Backhouse.     It's  all  very  well,  but  you  see  if  I  don't 
pay  you  out  after  school — you  sneak,  you. 
Master  Lurcher.     If  you  do  I'll  tell  again. 

Kdt  Backhouse. 

[77ie   rod  is   heard  from    the   adjoiaing    apartment.      Hwhish — Ilwhish — 
h  wish — hwish — hwish — h  wish — h  wish.  ] 

Re-enter  Backhouse. 


22  DOCTOR   BIRCH, 


BRIGGS  IN  LUCK. 

Enter  the  Knife-hoy. — Hamper  for  Briggses  ! 

Master  Broivn. — Hurray,  Tom  Briggs  !  I'll  lend  you  my  knife. 


If  this  story  does  not  carry  its  own  moral,  what  fable  does,  I 
wonder  ?  Before  the  arrival  of  that  hamper,  Master  Briggs  was 
in  no  better  repute  than  any  other  young  gentleman  of  the  lower 
school ;  and  in  fact  I  had  occasion  myself,  only  lately,  to  correct 
Master  Brown  for  kicking  his  friend's  shins  during  the  writing-les- 
son. But  how  this  basket  directed  by  his  mother's  housekeeper, 
and  marked  "  Glass  with  care,"  (whence  I  conclude  that  it  con- 
tains some  jam  and  some  bottles  of  wine  probably,  as  well  as 
the  usual  cake  and  game-pie,  and  half  a  sovereign  for  the  elder 
Master  B.,  and  five  new  shillings  for  Master  Decimus  Briggs) 
— how,  I  say,  the  arrival  of  this  basket  alters  all  Master  Briggs's 
circumstances  in  life,  and  the  estimation  in  which  many  persons  re- 
gard him ! 


X 


;^^ 


AND   HIS  YOUNG   FRIENDS.  23 

If  he  is  a  good-hearted  boy,  as  I  have  reason  to  think,  the 
very  first  thing  he  will  do,  before  inspecting  the  contents  of  the 
hamper,  or  cutting  into  them  with  the  knife  which  Master  Brown 
has  so  considerately  lent  him  ;  will  be  to  read  over  the  letter 
from  home  Avhich  lies  on  the  top  of  the  parcel.  He  does  so, 
as  I  remark  to  Miss  Raby  (for  whom  I  happened  to  be  mend- 
ing pens  when  the  little  circumstance  arose),  with  a  flushed  face 
and  winking  eyes.  Look  how  the  other  boys  are  peering  into 
the  basket  as  he  reads. — I  say  to  her,  "  Isn't  it  a  pretty  picture  ?" 
Part  of  the  letter  is  in  a  very  large  hand.  That  is  from  his 
little  sister.  And  I  would  wager  that  she  netted  the  little 
purse  which  he  has  just  taken  out  of  it,  and  which  Master  Lynx  is 
eyeing. 

"  You  are  a  droll  man,  and  remark  all  sorts  of  queer  things," 
Miss  Raby  says,  smiling,  and  plying  her  swift  needle  and  fingers 
as  quick  as  possible.  '•  I  am  glad  we  are  both  on  the  spot,  and 
that  the  little  fellow  lies  under  our  guns  as  it  were,  and  so  is 
protected  from  some  such  brutal  school-pirates  as  young  Duval 
for  instance,  who  would  rob  him  probably  of  some  of  those  good 
things,  good  in  themselves,  and  better  because  fresh  from  home. 
See,  there  is  a  pie  as  I  said,  and  which  I  dare  say  is  better  than 
those  Avhich  are  served  at  our  table  (but  you  never  take  any 
notice  of  these  kind  of  things,  Miss  Raby),  a  cake  of  course,  a 
bottle  of  currant  wine,  jam-pots,  and  no  end  of  pears  in  the  straw. 


24  DOCTOR   BIECH, 

With  this  money  little  Briggs  will  be  able  to  pay  the  tick 
which  that  imprudent  child  has  run  up  with  Mrs.  Ruggles ;  and 
I  shall  let  Briggs  Major  pay  for  the  pencil-case  which  Bullock 
sold  to  him. — It  will  be  a  lesson  to  the  young  prodigal  for  the 
future. 

"  But,  I  say,  what  a  change  there  will  be  in  his  life  for  some 
time  to  come,  and  at  least  until  his  present  wealth  is  spent ! 
The  bo^^s  who  bully  him  will  mollify  towards  him,  and  accept  his 
pie  and  sweetmeats.  They  will  have  feasts  in  the  bed-room  ;  and 
that  wine  will  taste  more  deliciously  to  them  than  the  best  out  of 
the  Doctor's  cellar.  The  cronies  will  be  invited.  Young  Master 
Wagg  will  tell  his  most  dreadful  story  and  sing  his  best  song 
for  a  slice  of  that  pie.  AVhat  a  jolly  night  they  will  have  !  When 
we  go  the  rounds  at  night,  Mr.  Prince  and  I  will  take  care  to 
make  a  noise  before  we  come  to  Briggs's  room,  so  that  the  boys 
may  have  time  to  put  the  light  out,  to  push  the  things  away,  and 
to  scud  into  bed.  Doctor  Spry  may  be  put  in  requisition  the  next 
morning.     .     ." 

"  Nonsense !  you  absurd  creature,"  cries  out  Miss  Raby 
laughing ;  and  I  lay  down  the  twelfth  pen  very  nicely 
mended. 

"  Yes  ;  after  luxury  comes  the  doctor,  I  say  ;  after  extrava- 
gance, a  hole  in  the  breeches  pocket.  To  judge  from  his 
disposition,  Briggs  Major  will  not  be  much  better  off   a  couple 


^  AND   HIS   YOUNG   FRIENDS.  25 

of  days  hence  than  he  is  now,  and,  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  will 
end  life  a  poor  man.  Bro^Yn  Avill  be  kicking  his  shins  before 
a  week  is  over,  dej^end  upon  it.  There  are  boys  and  men  of 
all  sorts,  Miss  R. — there  are  selfish  sneaks  who  hoard  until  the 
store  they  daren't  use  groAvs  mouldy — there  are  spendthrifts 
who  fling  away,  parasites  who  flatter  and  lick  its  shoes,  and 
snarling  curs  who  hate  and  envy,  good  fortune."-^!  put  down 
the  last  of  the  pens,  brushing  away  with  it  the  quill-chips  from 
her  desk  first,  and  she  looked  at  me  with  a  kind  wondering 
face.  I  brushed  them  away,  clicked  the  pen-knife  into  my  pocket, 
made  her  a  bow,  and  walked  ofi" — for  the  bell  was  ringing  for 
school. 


26  DOCTOR   BIRCH, 


A  YOUNG  FELLOW   WHO   IS   PRETTY   SURE  TO 
SUCCEED. 

I 
If  Master  Briggs  is  destined  in  all  probability  to  be  a  poor 

man,  the  chances  are,  that  Mr.  Bullock  will  have  a  very  diifercnt 

lot.     He  is  a  son  of  a  partner  of  the  eminent  banking  firm  of 

Bullock  and  Hulker,  Lombard  Street,  and  very  high  in  the  upper 

school — quite  out  of  my  jurisdiction,  consequently. 

He  writes  the  most  beautiful  current  hand  ever  seen;  and 
the  way  in  which  he  mastered  arithmetic  (going  away  into 
recondite  and  wonderful  rules  in  the  Tutor's  Assistant,  which 
some  masters  even  dare  not  approach)  is  described  by  the  Doctor 
in  terms  of  admiration.  He  is  Mr.  Prince's  best  algebra  pupil ; 
and  a  very  fair  classic,  too,  doing  everything  well  for  which  he 
has  a  mind. 

He  does  not  busy  himself  with  the  sports  of  his  comrades, 
and  holds  a  cricket-bat  no  better  than  Miss  Raby  would.  He 
employs  the  play  hours  in  improving  his  mind,  and  reading  the 
newspaper ;   he  is  a  profound  politician,  and,  it  must  be  owned, 


_Gceea  m 


AND   HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS,  27 

on  the  Liberal  side.  The  elder  boys  despise  him  rather ;  and 
when  Champion  Major  passes,  he  turns  his  head,  and  looks  down. 
I  don't  like  the  expression  of  Bullock's  narrow,  green  eyes,  as  they 
follow  the  elder  Champion,  who  does  not  seem  to  know  or  care  how 
much  the  other  hates  him. 

No — Mr.  Bullock,  though  perhaps  the  cleverest  and  most 
accomplished  boy  in  the  school,  associates  with  the  quite  little 
bovs  when  he  is  minded  for  society.  To  these  he  is  quite 
affable,  courteous,  and  winning.  He  never  fagged  or  thrashed 
one  of  them.  He  has  done  the  verses  and  corrected  the  exer- 
cises of  many,  and  many  is  the  little  lad  to  whom  he  has  lent  a 
little  money. 

It  is  true  he  charges  at  the  rate  of  a  penny  a  week  for  every 
sixpence  lent  out,  but  many  a  fellow  to  whom  tarts  are  a  pre- 
sent necessity  is  happy  to  pay  this  interest  for  the  loan.  These 
transactions  are  kept  secret.  Mr.  Bullock,  in  rather  a  whining 
tone,  when  he  takes  Master  Green  aside  and  does  the  requisite 
business  for  him,  says,  "  You  know  you'll  go  and  talk  about  it 
everywhere.  I  don't  want  to  lend  you  the  money,  I  want  to 
buy  something  with  it.  It 's  only  to  oblige  you ;  and  yet  I  am 
sure  you  will  go  and  make  fun  of  me.  Whereon,  of  course, 
Green,  eager  for  the  money,  vows  solemnly  that  the  transaction 
shall  be  confidential,  and  only  speaks  when  the  payment  of  the 
interest  becomes  oppressive. 


28  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

Thus  it  is  that  Mr.  Bullock's  practices  are  at  all  known.  At 
a  very  early  period  indeed  his  commercial  genius  manifested 
itself;  and  by  happy  speculations  in  toflFey ;  by  composing  a 
sweet  drink  made  of  stick  liquorice  and  brown  sugar,  and 
selling  it  at  a  profit  to  the  young  children ;  by  purchasing  a 
series  of  novels,  which  he  let  out  at  an  adequate  remuneration ; 
by  doing  boys'  exercises  for  a  penny,  and  other  processes,  he 
showed  the  bent  of  his  mind.  At  the  end  of  the  half  year  he 
always  went  home  richer  than  when  he  arrived  at  school,  with  his 
purse  full  of  money. 

Nobody  knows  how  much  he  brought :  but  the  accounts  are 
fabulous.  Twenty,  thirty,  lift}-,  —  it  is  impossible  to  say  how 
many  sovereigns.  When  joked  about  his  money,  he  turns  pale 
and  swears  he  has  not  a  shilling :  whereas  he  has  had  a  banker's 
account  ever  since  he  was  thirteen  years  old. 

At  the  present  moment  he  is  employed  in  negotiating  the 
sale  of  a  knife  with  Master  Green,  and  is  pointing  out  to  the 
latter  the  beauty  of  the  six  blades,  and  that  he  need  not  pay  until 
after  the  holidays. 

Champion  Major  has  sworn  that  he  Avill  break  every  bone  in 
his  skin  the  next  time  that  he  cheats  a  little  boy,  and  is  bearing 
down  upon  him.  Let  us  come  away.  It  is  frightful  to  see  that 
big  peaceful  clever  coward  moaning  under  w&U-deserved  blows  and 
whining  for  mercy. 


Tiae     ?jT3Xi 


AND  HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS.  29 


DUVAL,   THE   PIRATE. 

(Jones  MiMxirs  passes,  laden  with  tarts.) 

Duval.  Hullo !  you  small  boy  with  the  tarts  !  Come  here, 
Sir. 

Jones  MhuTnus.     Please,  Duval,  they  ain't  mine. 
Duval.     0  you  abominable  young  story-teller. 

\^He  confiscates  the  goods. 

I  think  I  like  young  Duval's  mode  of  levying  contributions 
better  than  Bullock's.  The  former's,  at  least,  has  the  merit  of  more 
candour.  Duval  is  the  pirate  of  Birch's,  and  lies  in  wait  for  small 
boys  laden  with  money  or  provender.  He  scents  plunder  from 
afar  off:  and  pounces  out  on  it.  Woe  betide  the  little  fellow  when 
Duval  boards  him  ! 

There  was  a  youth  here  Avhose  money  I  used  to  keep,  as  he  was 
of  an  extravagant  and  weak  disposition ;  and  I  doled  it  out  to  him 
in  weekly  shillings,  sufficient  for  the  purchase  of  the  necessary 
tarts.    This  boy  came  to  me  one  day  for  half  a  sovereign,  for  a  very 


80  DOCTOR   BIRCH, 

particular  purpose,  lie  said.     I  afterwards  found  lie  wanted  to  lend 
the  money  to  Duval. 

The  young  ogre  burst  out  laughing,  when  in  a  great  wrath  and 
fury  I  ordered  him  to  refund  to  the  little  boy  ;  and  proposed  a  bill 
of  exchange  at  three  months.  It  is  true  Duval's  father  does  not 
pay  the  doctor,  and  the  lad  never  has  a  shilling,  save  that  which 
he  levies  ;  and  though  he  is  always  bragging  about  the  splendour 
of  Freenystown,  Co.  Cork,  and  the  fox-hounds  his  father  keeps, 
and  the  claret  they  drink  there — there  comes  no  remittance  from 
Castle  Freeny  in  these  bad  times  to  the  honest  Doctor,  who  is  a 
kindly  man  enough,  and  never  yet  turned  an  insolvent  boy  out  of 
doors. 


AND   HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS.  31 


THE  DORMITORIES. 

MASTER   HEWLETT   AND   MASTER   NIGHTINGALE. 

{Rather  a  cold  minter  night.) 

Hewlett  {jlinging  a  shoe  at  Master  Nightingays  bed  with 
which  he  hits  that  young  gentleman)  Hullo!  You!  Get  up 
and  bring  me  that  shoe. 

Nightingale.      Yes,  Hewlett.     [He  gets  wp.) 

Hewlett.     Don't  drop  it,  and  be  very  careful  of  it,  Sir. 

Nightingale.     Yes,  Hewlett. 

Hetvlett.  Silence  in  the  Dormitory  !  Any  boy  who  opens  his 
mouth  I'll  murder  him.  Now,  Sir,  are  not  you  the  boy  what  can 
sing? 

Nightingale.     Yes,  Hewlett. 

Hewlett.  Chaunt  then  till  I  go  to  sleep,  and  if  I  wake  when 
you  stop,  you'll  have  this  at  your  head. 

[I^Iaster  Hewlett  lays  his  Bluchers  on  the  bed,  ready  to  shy  at  Master 
Nightingale's  head  in  the  case  contemplated. 


DOCTOR   BIRCH, 

Nightingale  {timidly)    Please,  Hewlett  ? 
Heiclett.     Well,  Sir. 

Nightingale.     ISIay  I  put  on  my  trowsers,  please  ? 
Hewlett.     No,  Sir.     Go  on,  or  I'll — 
Nightingale, — 

"  Through  pleasures  and  palaces 
Though  we  may  roam, 
Be  it  ever  so  humble, 

There's  no  place  like  home. 

"Home,  home!  sweet,  sweet  home! 
There's  no  place  like  ho-ome ! 
There's  no  place  like  home !" 

{Da  Capo.) 


xLoncLe     s  w  e  c  L    Jn 


AND  HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS. 


A  CAPTURE  AND  A  RESCUE. 

My  young  friend,  Patrick  Champion,  George's  younger 
brother,  is  a  late  arrival  among  us  ;  has  much  of  the  family 
quality  and  good-nature  ;  is  not  in  the  least  a  tyrant  to  the  small 
boys,  but  is  as  eager  as  an  Amadis  to  fight.  He  is  boxing  his 
way  up  the  school,  emulating  his  great  brother.  He  fixes  his  eye 
on  a  boy  above  him  in  strength  or  size,  and  you  hear  somehow 
that  a  difference  has  arisen  between  them  at  football,  and  they 
have  their  coats  off  presently.  He  has  thrashed  himself  over  the 
heads  of  many  youths  in  this  manner  ;  for  instance,  if  Champion 
can  lick  Dobson,  who  can  thrash  Hobson,  how  much  more,  then, 
can  he  thrash  Hobson.  Thus  he  works  up  and  establishes  his 
position  in  the  school.  Nor  does  Mr.  Prince  think  it  advisable 
that  we  ushers  should  walk  much  in  the  way  when  these  little 
differences  are  being  settled,  unless  there  is  some  gross  disparity, 
or  danger  is  apprehended. 

For  instance,  I  own  to  having  seen  the  row  depicted  here  as 

3 


34  DOCTOR   BIRCH, 

I  was  shaving  at  my  bed- room  Avindow.  I  did  not  hasten  down  to 
prevent  its  consequences.  Fogle  had  confiscated  a  top,  the 
property  of  Snivins,  the  which,  as  the  little  wretch  was  always 
pegging  it  at  my  toes,  I  did  not  regret.  Snivins  whimpered  ;  and 
young  Champion  came  up  lusting  for  battle.  Directly  he  made 
out  Fogle,  he  steered  for  him,  pulling  up  his  coat-sleeves,  and 
clearing  for  action. 

"  Who  spoke  to  you^  young  Champion  ?"  Fogle  said,  and  he 
flung  down  the  top  to  Master  Snivins.  I  knew  there  would  be  no 
fight ;  and  perhaps  Champion,  too,  was  disappointed. 


\  ii.es  ciie 


AND  HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS. 


THE  GAEDEN, 


WHEKB   THE   PARLOX.-R-EOARDERS   GO. 


Noblemen  have  been  rather  scarce  at  Birch's — hut  the  heir 
of  a  great  Prince  has  been  living  with  the  Doctor  for  some 
years. — He  is  Lord  George  Gaunt's  eklest  son,  the  noble  Plan- 
tagenet  Gaunt  Gaunt,  and  nephew  of  the  most  Honourable  the 
Marquis  of  Steyne. 

They  are  very  proud  of  him  at  the  Doctor's — and  the  two 
Misses  and  Papa,  whenever  a  stranger  comes  down  whom  they 
want  to  dazzle,  are  pretty  sure  to  bring  Lord  Steyne  into  the 
conversation,  mentioning  the  last  party  at  Gaunt  House,  and 
cursorily  remarking  that  they  have  with  them  a  young  friend 
who  will  be  in  all  human  probability  Marquis  of  Steyne  and 
Earl  of  Gaunt,  (fcc. 

Plantagenet  does  not  care  much  about  these  future  honours  : 
provided  he  can  get  some  brown  sugar  on  his  bread  and 
butter,  or  sit  with  three  chairs  and  play  at  coach  and  horses, 
quite  quietly  by  himself,  he  is  tolerably  happy.     He  saunters  in 


36  DOCTOR   BIRCH. 

and  out  of  school  when  lie  likes,  and  looks  at  the  masters  and 
other  boys  with  a  listless  grin.  He  used  to  be  taken  to  church, 
but  he  laughed  and  talked  in  odd  places,  so  they  are  forced  to 
leave  him  at  home  now.  He  will  sit  with  a  bit  of  string  and 
play  cats-cradle  for  many  hours.  He  likes  to  go  and  join  the  very 
small  children  at  their  games.  Some  are  frightened  at  him, 
but  they  soon  cease  to  fear,  and  order  him  about.  I  have  seen 
him  go  and  fetch  tarts  from  Mrs.  Ruggles  for  a  boy  of  eight 
years  old  ;  and  cry  bitterly  if  he  did  not  get  a  piece.  He  cannot 
speak  quite  plain,  but  very  nearly ;  and  is  not  more,  I  suppose, 
than  three-and-twenty. 

Of  course  at  home  they  know  his  age,  though  they  never  come 
and  see  him.  But  they  forget  that  Miss  Rosa  Birch  is  no  longer 
a  young  chit  as  she  was  ten  years  ago,  when  Gaunt  was  brought 
to  the  school.  On  the  contrary,  she  has  had  no  small  experience 
in  the  tender  passion,  and  is  at  this  moment  smitten  with  a  dis- 
interested affection  for  Plantagenet  Gaunt. 

Next  to  a  little  doll  with  a  burnt  nose,  which  he  hides  away 
in  cunning  places,  jNIr.  Gaunt  is  very  fond  of  Miss  Rosa  too. 
What  a  pretty  match  it  would  make  !  and  how  pleased  they 
would  be  at  Gaunt  House,  if  the  grandson  and  heir  of  the  great 
Marquis  of  Steyne,  the  descendant  of  a  lumdred  Gaunts  and 
Tudors,  should  marry  Miss  Birch,  the  schoolmaster's  daughter  ! 
It  is  true  she  has  the  sense  on  her  side,  and  poor  Plantagenet  is 


AND   HIS   YOUNG   FRIENDS.  37 

only  an  idiot :  but  there  lie  is,  a  zany,  with  such  expectations  and 
such  a  pedigree ! 

If  Miss  Rosa  would  run  away  with  IMr.  Gaunt,  she  would 
leave  off  bullying  her  cousin,  Miss  Anny  Raby.  Shall  I  put 
her  up  to  the  notion,  and  offer  to  lend  her  the  money  to  run 
away?  Mr.  Gaunt  is  not  allowed  money.  He  had  some  once, 
but  Bullock  took  him  into  a  corner,  and  got  it  from  him.  He 
has  a  moderate  tick  opened  at  the  tart-woman's.  He  stops  at 
Rodwell  Regis  through  the  year,  school-time  and  holiday  time  : 
it  is  all  the  same  to  him.  Nobody  asks  about  him,  or  thinks  about 
him,  save  twice  a  year,  when  the  Doctor  goes  to  Gaunt  House,  and 
gets  the  amount  of  his  bills,  and  a  glass  of  wine  in  the  steward's 
room. 

And  yet  you  see  somehow  that  he  is  a  gentleman.  His  man- 
ner is  different  to  that  of  the  owners  of  that  coarse  table  and 
parlour  at  which  he  is  a  boarder  (I  do  not  speak  of  Miss  R.  of 
course,  for  her  manners  are  as  good  as  those  of  a  Duchess).  When 
he  caught  Miss  Rosa  boxing  little  Fiddle's  ears,  his  face  grew  red, 
and  he  broke  into  a  fierce,  inarticulate  rage.  After  that,  and  for 
some  days,  he  used  to  shrink  from  her ;  but  they  are  reconciled 
now.  I  saw  them  this  afternoon  in  the  garden,  where  only  the 
parlour-boarders  walk.  He  was  playful,  and  touched  her  with  his 
stick.  She  raised  her  handsome  eyes  in  surprise,  and  smiled  on 
him  very  kindly. 


38  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

The  thing  was  so  clear,  that  I  thought  it  my  duty  to  speak 
to  old  Zoe  about  it.  The  -wicked  old  catamaran  told  me  she 
wished  that  some  people  would  mind  their  own  business,  and 
hold  their  tongues — that  some  people  were  paid  to  teach 
writing,  and  not  to  tell  tales  and  make  mischief:  and  I  have 
since  been  thinking  whether  I  ought  to  communicate  with  the 
Doctor. 


Xisr  3lT3  flower    Gajrden. 


AND   HIS   YOUNG   FRIENDS. 


THE    OLD   PUPIL. 

As  I  came  into  the  play-grounds  this  morning,  I  saw  a  dash- 
ing young  fellow,  with  a  tanned  face  and  a  blonde  mous- 
tache, who  was  walking  up  and  down  the  green,  arm-in 
arm   with    Champion   Major,  and   followed   by  a  little  crowd   of 


They  were  talking  of  old  times  evidently.  "'  What  had  become 
of  Irvine  and  Smith  ?" — "  Where  was  Bill  Harris  and  Jones,  not 
Squinny  Jones,  but  Cocky  Jones  ?" — and  so  forth.  The  gentle- 
man was  no  stranger ;  he  was  an  old  pupil  evidently,  come  to  see 
if  any  of  his  old  comrades  remained,  and  to  revisit  the  cari  luogi 
of  his  youth. 

Champion  was  evidently  proud  of  his  arm-fellow.  He  espied 
his  brother,  young  Champion,  and  introduced  him.  "  Come  here. 
Sir,"  he  called.  "  The  young  'un  wasn't  here  in  your  time,  Davi- 
son." "  Pat,  Sir,"  said  he,  "  this  is  Captain  Davison,  one  of 
Birch's  boys.  Ask  liim  who  was  among  the  first  in  the  lines  at 
Sobraon  V- 


40  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

Pat's  face  kindled  up  as  he  looked  Davison  ftill  in  the  face,  and 
held  out  his  hand.  Old  Champion  and  Davison  both  blushed. 
The  infantry  set  up  a  "  Hurray !  hurray !  hurray  !"  Champion 
leading,  and  waving  his  wide-avrake.  I  protest  that  the  scene  did 
one  good  to  witness.  Here  was  the  hero  and  cock  of  the  school 
come  back  to  see  his  old  haunts  and  cronies.  He  had  always  re- 
membered them.  Since  he  had  seen  them  last,  he  had  faced  death 
and  achieved  honour.  But  for  my  dignity  I  would  have  shied  up 
my  hat  too. 

With  are  solute  step,  and  his  arm  still  linked  in  Champion's, 
Captain  Davison  now  advanced,  followed  by  a  wake  of  little  boys, 
to  that  corner  of  the  green  where  Mrs.  Ruggles  has  her  tart- 
stand. 

"  Hullo,  Mother  Ruggles  !  don't  you  remember  me  ?"  he  said, 
and  shook  her  by  the  hand. 

"  Lor,  if  it  ain't  Davison  Major  !"  she  said.  "  Well,  Davison 
Major,  you  owe  me  fourpence  for  two  sausage-rolls  from  when  you 
went  away." 

Davison  laughed,  and  all  the  little  crew  of  boys  set  up  a  simi- 
lar chorus. 

"  I  buy  the  whole  shop,"  he  said.  "  Now,  young  'uns — eat 
away !" 

Then  there  was  such  a  "  Hurray  !  hurray  !"  as  surpassed  the 
former   cheer  in    loudness.      Everybody    engaged   in    it    except 


AND  HIS  YOUNG  FRIENDS.  41 

Piggy  Duff,  wlio  made  an  instant  dash  at  tlic  three-cornered  puffs, 
but  was  stopped  by  Champion,  \yho  said  there  should  be  a  fair 
distribution.  And  so  there  was,  and  no  one  lacked,  neither  of 
raspberry  open-tarts,  nor  of  mellifluous  bull's  eyes,  nor  of  polonies, 
beautiful  to  the  sight  and  taste. 

The  hurraying  brought  out  the  Doctor  himself,  who  put  his 
hand  up  to  his  spectacles  and  started  when  he  saw  the  old 
pupil.  Each  blushed  when  he  recognised  the  other ;  for  seven 
years  ago  they  had  parted  not  good  friends. 

"  What — Davison  ?"  the  Doctor  said,  with  a  tremulous  voice. 
"  God  bless  you,  my  dear  fellow  !" — and  they  shook  hands.  "  A 
half-holiday,  of  course,  boys,"  he  added,  and  there  was  another 
hurray  :  there  was  to  be  no  end  to  the  cheering  that  day. 

•'  How's  the  family,  Sir  ?"  Captain  Davison  asked. 

"  Come  in  and  see.  Flora's  grown  quite  a  lady.  Dine  with 
us,  of  course.  Champion  Major,  come  to  dinner  at  five.  Mr. 
Titmarsh,  the  pleasure  of  your  company?"  The  Doctor  swung 
open  the  garden-gate :  the  old  master  and  pupil  entered  the 
house  reconciled. 

I  thought  I  would  just  peep  into  Miss  Raby"s  room,  and 
tell  her  of  this,  event.  She  Avas  Avorking  away  at  her  linen 
there,  as  usual,  quiet  and  cheerful. 

"  You  should  put  up,"  I  said  with  a  smile ;  "  the  Doctor  has 
given  us  a  half-holiday." 


42  DOCTOR  BIRCH, 

"  I  neter  have  holidays,"  Miss  Raby  replied. 

Then  I  told  her  of  the  scene  I  had  just  witnessed,  of  the 
arrival  of  the  old  pupil,  the  purchase  of  the  tarts,  the  procla- 
mation of  the  holiday,  and  the  shouts  of  the  hoys  of  "  Hurray, 
Davison." 

"  Who  is  it  ?"  cried  out  Miss  Raby,  starting  and  turning  as 
white  as  a  sheet. 

I  told  her  it  was  Captain  Davison  from  India,  and  described 
the  appearance  and  behaviour  of  the  Captain.  When  I  had 
finished  speaking,  she  asked  mc  to  go  and  get  her  a  glass  of 
water ;  she  felt  unwell.  But  she  was  gone  when  I  came  back 
with  the  water. 


I  know  all  now.  After  sitting  for  a  quarter  of,  an  hour  with 
the  Doctor,  who  attributed  his  guest's  uneasiness  no  doubt  to  his 
desire  to  see  Miss  Laura  Birch,  Davison  started  up  and  said  he 
wanted  to  see  Miss  Raby.  "  You  remember.  Sir,  how  kind  she 
was  to  my  little  brother,"  he  said.  Whereupon  the  Doctor,  with 
a  look  of  surprise  that  anybody  should  want  to  see  Miss  Raby, 
said  she  was  in  the  little  school- room,  whither  the  Captain  went, 
knowing  the  way  from  old  times. 

A  few  minutes  afterwards,  Miss  B.  and  Miss  Z.  returned 
from  a  drive  with  Plantagenet  Gaunt  in  their  one-horse  fly,  and 


vvajitte^L  a.    vc^cvexjiess  . 


AND   HIS   YOUNG   FRIENDS.  43 

being  informed  of  Davison's  arrival,  and  that  he  was  closeted 
with  Miss  Raby  in  the  little  school-room,  of  course  made  for  that 
apartment  at  once.  I  was  coming  into  it  from  the  other  door. 
I  wanted  to  know  whether  she  had  drunk  the  water. 

This  is  what  both  parties  saw.  The  two  were  in  this  ver}^ 
attitude.  '■  Well,  upon  my  word !"  cries  out  Miss  Zoe.  But 
Davison  did  not  let  go  his  hold ;  and  Miss  Raby's  head  only  sank 
down  on  his  hand. 

"  You  must  get  another  governess,  Sir,  for  the  little  boys,"' 
Frank  Davison  said  to  the  Doctor.  "  Anny  Raby  has  promised 
to  come  with  me." 

You  may  suppose  I  shut  to  the  door  on  my  side.  And 
when  I  returned  to  the  little  school-room,  it  was  blank  and 
empty.  Everybody  was  gone.  I  could  hear  the  boys  shouting 
at  play  in  the  green,  outside.  The  glass  of  water  was  on  the 
table  where  I  had  placed  it.  I  took  it  and  drank  it  myself,  to 
the  health  of  Anny  Raby  and  her  husband.  It  was  rather  a 
choker. 

But  of  course  I  wasn't  going  to  stop  on  at  Birch's.  When 
his  young  friends  re-assemble  on  the  1st  of  February  next,  they 
will  have  two  new  masters.  Prince  resigned  too,  and  is  at 
present  living  with  me  at  my  old  lodgings  at  Mrs.  Cammysolc's. 
If  any  nobleman  or  gentleman  wants  a  private  tutor  for  his  son,  a 
note  to  the  Rev.  F.  Prince  will  find  him  there. 


44  DOCTOR  BIECH,    AND   HIS   YOUNG  FEIENDS, 

Miss  Clapperclaw  says  we  are  both  a  couple  of  old  fools ;  and 
that  she  knew,  when  I  set  off  last  year  to  Rodwell  Regis,  after 
meeting  the  two  young  ladies  at  a  party  at  General  Champion's 
house  in  our  street,  that  I  was  going  on  a  goose's  errand. 
Well,  well,  that  journey  is  over  now;  I  shall  dine  at  the 
General's  on  Christmas-day,  where  I  shall  meet  Captain  and 
Mrs.  Davison,  and  some  of  the  old  pupils  of  Birch's  ;  and  I  wish  a 
merry  Christmas  to  them,  and  to  all  young  and  old  boys. 


EPILOGUE. 

The  play  is  done ;  the  curtain  drops, 
Slow  falling,  to  the  prompter's  bell : 
A  moment  yet  the  actor  stops, 
And  looks  around,  to  say  farewell. 
It  is  an  irksome  word  and  task ; 
And  when  he's  laughed  and  said  his  say, 
He  shows,  as  he  removes  the  mask, 
A  face  that's  anything  but  gay. 

One  word,  ere  yet  the  evening  ends, 
Let 's  close  it  with  a  parting  rhyme, 
And  pledge  a  hand  to  all  young  friends, 
As  fits  the  merry  Christmas-time. 
On  life's  wide  scene  you,  too,  have  parts. 
That  Fate  ere  long  shall  bid  you  play ; 


46  EPILOGUE. 


Good  night !  "with  honest  gentle  hearts 
A  kindly  greeting  go  alway  ! 


Good  night ! — I'd  say,  the  griefs,  the  joys, 

Just  hinted  in  this  mimic  page, 

The  triumphs  and  defeats  of  boys, 

Are  but  repeated  in  our  age. 

I'd  say,  your  woes  were  not  less  keen, 

Your  hopes  more  vain,  than  those  of  men  j 

Your  pangs  or  pleasures  of  fifteen. 

At  forty-five  played  o'er  again. 

I'd  say,  we  suffer  and  we  strive 
Not  less  nor  more  as  men  than  boys  ; 
With  grizzled  beards  at  forty-five, 
As  erst  at  twelve,  in  corduroys. 
And  if,  in  time  of  sacred  youth. 
We  learned  at  home  to  love  and  pray. 
Pray  Heaven,  that  early  Love  and  Truth 
May  never  wholly  pass  away. 

And  in  the  world,  as  in  the  school, 
I'd  say,  how  fate  may  change  and  shift ; 
The  prize  be  sometimes  with  the  fool, 
The  race  not  always  to  the  swift. 


EPILOGUE.  47 

The  strong  may  yield,  the  good  may  fall, 
The  great  man  be  a  vulgar  clown, 
The  knave  be  lifted  over  all, 
The  kind  cast  pitilessly  do-^vn. 

Who  knows  the  inscrutable  design  ? 
Blessed  be  He  who  took  and  gave  ! 
Why  should  your  mother,  Charles,  not  mine, 
Be  weeping  at  her  darling's  grave  ?* 
We  bow  to  Heaven  that  will'd  it  so, 
That  darkly  rules  the  fate  of  all. 
That  sends  the  respite  or  the  blow, 
That's  free  to  give  or  to  recalL 

This  crowns  his  feast  with  wine  and  wit : 
Who  brought  him  to  that  mirth  and  state  ? 
His  betters,  see,  below  him  sit, 
Or  hunger  hopeless  at  the  gate. 
Who  bade  the  mud  from  Dives'  wheel 
To  spurn  the  rags  of  Lazarus  ? 
Come,  brother,  in  that  dust  we'll  kneel. 
Confessing  Heaven  that  ruled  it  thus. 

C.  B.,  ob.  29  Nov.  1848,  aet.  42. 


48  EPILOGUE. 

So  each  shall  mourn,  in  life's  advance, 
Dear  hopes,  dear  friends,  untimely  killed  ; 
Shall  grieve  for  many  a  forfeit  chance. 
And  longing  passion  unfulfilled. 
Amen  !  whatever  fate  he  sent, — 
Pray  God  the  heart  may  kindly  glow, 
Although  the  heart  with  cares  be  bent, 
And  whitened  with  the  winter-snow. 

Come  wealth  or  want,  come  good  or  ill. 
Let  young  and  old  accept  their  part. 
And  bow  before  the  Awful  Will, 
And  bear  it  with  an  honest  heart. 
Who  misses,  or  who  wins  the  prize  ? 
Go,  lose  or  conquer  as  you  can  : 
But  if  you  fail,  or  if  you  rise, 
Be  each,  pray  God,  a  gentleman, 

A  gentleman,  or  old  or  young  ! 
(Bear  kindly  with  my  humble  lays) ; 
The  sacred  chorus  first  was  sung 
Upon  the  first  of  Christmas-days  : 
Tlie  shepherds  heard  it  overhead — 
The  joyful  angels  raised  it  then  : 


EPILOGUE.  49 

Glory  to  Heaven  on  high,  it  said, 
And  peace  on  earth  to  gentle  men. 

My  song,  save  this,  is  little  worth ; 
I  lay  the  weary  pen  aside, 
And  wish  you  health,  and  love,  and  mirth, 
As  fits  the  solemn  Christmas-tide. 
As  fits  the  holy  Christmas  birth, 
Be  this,  good  friends,  our  carol  still- 
Be  peace  on  earth,  be  peace  on  earth, 
To  men  of  gentle  will. 


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Now  read}',  a  New  Edition. 

FIllESIEE    FAIEIES; 

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Contents. 

The  Two  Voices,  or  the  Sliadow  anil  ihe  Shadowless.  The  Minute  Fairie* 
r  TIav.!  and  O  Mad  [.  The  Hump  and  Lonj  No,e.  The  l.llv  Fairy  and  th« 
Silver  Beam.  The  Wonderful  Watch  The  Red  and  Wliite  Rose  Tree*. 
The  Diamond  Fountain.    The  Magical  Key. 

Though  this  is  a  small  bnok,  it  is,  mechanically,  exceedingly  beautiTul.  be- 
ing illustrated  with  spirited  woodcuts  l'r.>m  Original  Designs.  "But  that  is  iti 
least  merit.  It  is  one  of  the  most  eutertaining.  and  decidedly  one  of  the  be' 
juveniles  that  have  issued  from  the  prolific  press  of  this  city.  We  speak  ad 
viseilly.  It  is  long  since  we  found  time  to  read  through  a  Juvenile  biok,  so 
near  (,'iiristmas,  when  the  name  of  this  class  of  volumes  is  leginn  ;  but  this 
charmed  us  so  much  that  we  were  unwiling  to  lay  it  down  after  ouce  ci>m 
mencing  it.  The  first  story,— •' The  Two  Voices,  or  the  rihad  )W  and  the 
Shadowless," — is  2  sweet  thing,  as  is  also  the  one  entitled, "  The  Diamond 
Fount.ain."  Indeed,  the  wliole  number,  and  there  are  ten,  will  be  read  with 
«vidity.    Their  moral  is  as  jiure  as  their  style  is  enchanliiig, — Cum.  Adv. 

D.  Appleton  ^  Co.  have  just  ready, 

A  NEW  UNIFORM  SERIES  FOR  BOYS  AND  GIRLS. 

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in.   TUP,  SUMMER  lioi.JD.WS.     A  Story  for  CIrldren.     lllus.     Jfim.x 
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VILLAGE  NOTARY.    A  Eomance  of  Hungarian  Life.    Translated 

from  the  Hungarian  of  Eotvos.     8vo.,  paper,  25c. 
ZaSCSC'ZX^.— INCIDENTS  OF  SO.CIAL  LIFE.  12mo.,  doth,  $1. 


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